Moments later, I received the two cups and made my way back to the table. We sat, making idle chat and drinking the coffee. She talked like she was a lot older, as if she had been through a lot more that a 17-year-old girl should have. I was eager to get the idle chat over and done with, so I spoke up and suggested we head off to the car. She looked nervous, but she got up and nodded her head and followed me back to my car. We got in and sat there motionless for a minute, perhaps we were waiting for the other to make the first move? The time for the first move came and went when I started my car and backed out ready to get to the Ramada that I had made reservations at. You know those long car trips where you end up losing yourself in the road? That ten minute car trip had me completely lost, a lost I felt like I was never returning from. The car rid seemed to take forever. Occasionally, she would turn to me and make more idle chat. The obvious fear dripped from my voice. Josh, it was because of you that I got through school in one piece, and it was only because of you that I got into school. I relied on you so much, Josh, you have no idea."After I got into school, I figured that it was a fresh start. Not right away, but after about a year I figured that my life was still worth living. The guilt that I had receded and I figured I needed to make up for lost time. But after I started becoming social again, I couldn't connect with anyone. That's why I've been sleeping with a bunch of different guys - I wanted to feel something, you know? Feel worth it, feel like I'm not this fucked up little emo kid who's parents died and she's overcompensating for it. "But I began to realize that you were the only one that I could connect with." Was she saying that she held feelings for me too? "I didn't think of you that way," she said, "but I knew that what I was doing wasn't working. But then you told me that you...well, you know...and I couldn't handle it. I.
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